President Bush: The War on Spinach

As has been stated by people funnier than I, comedians are sure going to miss W. Under the Freedom of Information Act, I have unearthed this gem...

President George W. Bush: “The War on Spinach” Speech, Delivered September 2006 to a national corporate farm lobby group

"My fellow Americans, and Democrats. . . We're facing an enemy the likes of which we never seen before. It's green, it's leafy, and it's bitter. It travels in bunches with other like-minded greenery, destined to poison the tummies of freedom-loving people everywhere. It lives among us, this evil enemy, often concealing its true identity in unusual dressing and claiming to be triple-washed prior to bagging.

I'm taking, of course, about spinach. In my time as president, I have witnessed the devastating impact spinach can have on salads, ruining the delicious taste of innocent and more American ingredients, like bacon, hard-boiled eggs and cheddar cheese. Along with spinach, we have identified the arrogant arugula (uh-ROO-guh-luh) and radical radicchio (ruh-DICKEY-o), with their intellectual appeal to wine-drinking liberals, as part of an axis of evil greens.

I know a little somethin’ about evil greens. My Daddy hates broccoli. Ya see, that’s green, too. I know what it’s like to be tormented by distasteful vegetables. So all you Freudian psycholumnists (sigh-COLL-um-nists) out there, yes, I am trying to prove myself to Daddy, to finish the job he was too cautious to attempt: to uproot the evil greens.

[go slightly off-mic, lean to the side for this part] Though I gotta admit, I’m a bit jealous of broccoli—it has crowns, like I should have. [wait for laughter; if none comes, continue] Get it? Like I’m the king. [wait for laughter again; if still none, then explain] You see, broccoli has crowns; that’s the part that looks like the top of a tree. It’s a joke, people. Ya know, like people think I wanna be king or somethin’, which would be kinda weird cause we fought against a king named George to become the United States in the first place. What, you don’t think I watch Schoolhouse Rock?

Now where was I? Oh yeah, spinach. Our war is a war on a specific form of greenery: the primitive, destructive, distasteful ideology of Spinacho (rhymes with 'macho')-arugo-radico-fascism (FASH-izm) [for emphasis, do that lean-forward-as-if-head-butting move like that guy who got kicked out of the 2006 World Cup].

We must be careful, however, not to think all greens are evil or that they all threaten our way of life—the Romaine-ians, for example, are an ally in the War on Spinach. . .the Islandic Endives are a good greenfolk. . .the Swiss Chard, well they're neutral. . .and my Jewish friends, the Icebergs, well lemme say to them, we support you, even if it is so we can get all ya'll over to the Promised Land so we can get moving on this whole apocalyptic fire thing that'll precede the second coming.

I say to all the heads of lettuce around the world, do not put a wedge between us. You are either with us or you are against us. If you are with us, we will leaf you alone. But, if I see shredded evidence to the contrary, we will impose the full force of the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Cabbage Patch Kids, who are now of fighting age and have been drafted, to defeat you. We must not let the evil greens get a hold of loose leafs--we cannot take a chance on waking up to a mushroom cloud. Cause I don't like mushrooms either, especially when mixed together with spinach, arugula (uh-ROO-guh-luh) or radicchio (ruh-DICKEY-o). And, I refuse to wake up one day to hear "Kale to the Chief" when I walk into the room!

As that great philosopher Kermit the Frog once said, "It's not easy being green." He should try being president. [this one should get a laugh. . .laugh and do that trademark chimp-like shoulder shrug to emphasis that you made a funny] I know it's not easy being green. I know that. I also know it's hard work defending the American people against unwieldy vegetation, especially the edible kind. . .even if it is endorsed by our nation's heroes, like Popeye. But I look forward to doing everything in my power, to protect the precious gift of the Almighty—and of those illegal immigrants who work in the fields pickin' greens—that is, the right not to be subjected to spinach against our will and the will of the American people. Good night and G-d bless America."