At Least My Allergies Will Be Gone...

I recently saw an ad in TIME for Veramyst that went like this...

“VERAMYST is the one medicine approved to treat both seasonal nasal symptoms, like sneezing, itchy, stuffy, runny nose, and seasonal eye symptoms, like red, watery, itchy eyes.”

The tagline is “VERAMYST for your seasonal allergies. One for all.” Whatever “one for all” means. Maybe it’s the official allergy medicine of the Three Musketeers or something. (I didn't realize they were allergy sufferers. I'm guessing it was Aramis since his name is close to 'Veramyst' and maybe for "one for all" refers to the last question in Slumdog for all the money, the answer to which was Aramis...sorry to spoil it for those who haven't seen it.)

The ad continues—this is my favorite part—“Important Information about VERAMYST: Side effects include nosebleed, nasal sores, or nasal fungal infection.”

WTF???!!!

Nasal sores?! Nasal fungal infection??!! How bad do your allergies have to be to be willing to risk nasal fungal infection?!

There’s more… “Eye problems including glaucoma or cataracts may occur, so have regular eye exams." OMG! I'm just trying to treat a runny nose and scratchy throat here. With these potential side effects, I'd rather catch H1N1! How would a nasal spray harm your eyes?

Then I read further... "Do not spray in eyes.” Oh, that's how. If you spray it in your eyes, instant glaucoma or cataracts. (And Lennon warned us that instant karma was going to get us.) If I had red, itchy, watery eyes, the last thing I'd think of doing is spraying something in them that's designed to go up my nose.

I wonder if mace even has such a warning. That would be ironic, wouldn't it? Maybe it says, "Don't spray in your own eyes. Instead, aim carefully at your assailant."

Three years of law school and 14 years of inactive California Bar membership and I'm still stupefied over how litigious a society we are and how the fear of lawsuits has commandeered common sense.

The ad concludes: “Maximum relief may take several days. Results may vary.” Read: Some of you may be blinded. The rest of you will have fungus-infected boogers. But it may take a week.

In the meantime, I'm gonna go inhale a potion of pollen, ragweed, dust mites and cat dander...